I’ve seen so many clients and friends come to me with complaints about pain, stress and general health who discovered, in the end, that the source was a bad relationship. I’ve also seen a lot of sibling rivalry, bullying, aggressive in children and problems at school or between kids that resulted from the children not being aware of how to deal with conflict. In a lot of these situations the problems could have been avoided using standard conflict resolution techniques.
These are basic and simple techniques. However, for whatever reason, many people either forget them, don’t know them, don’t understand them or imagine they have done them when they have not. Childhood, is the perfect time to teach these steps as children need to learn these early on with their siblings, friends and teachers so they can have better relationships as adults. Don’t think of sibling rivalry as a bad thing – think of it as just one more great opportunity to teach your children to be amazing managers who have incredible conflict resolution skills 🙂 Meditation or Inner Work time each day is a perfect time for an adult to review these skills. All of us are guilty of forgetting these steps out of anger or fear at least every once in a while.
I’ve had to deal with four situations this week that could have been avoided if proper procedure was followed. This inspired me to share this as a lesson we can teach our kids and remind ourselves of. I have seen first hand that following these tips can not only result in better relationships but also better health. It also saves a lot of hurt feelings and saves time because often times people spend hours talking about conflict or agonizing over it instead of solving the problem. In a shocking number of these cases the conflict is a simple misunderstanding and turned out not to be a problem at all. In other cases it is simply a matter of understanding different temperaments (see the temperament page to download summaries of the temperaments).
As you read through these and use them and teach your children to use them I want you to reflect on each one and be honest with yourself. Have you really done this step? Was the step done with sincerity or was it done in anger? Did you have an open mind at each stage or was your inner heart skipping a few steps? By practicing these steps in a more mindful manner we can truly achieve the goals they were intended for. However, if one is following these steps with their body and mind and not their heart the steps will not work.
1. Step One: If there is a conflict go directly to the person involved and tell them about your concern and your perception of the problem and let them know that you only want to hear what they have to say because YOU are having trouble understanding the situation. You are seeking understanding – not blame or anger. Let them know that you need their help in resolving this and that you would like to talk to them, listen to them and come to a mutual understanding. Let them know that you are simply trying to understand and you are not blaming or making judgment. That the feelings you have come from you and your life experiences and not from them.
This step often goes awry because of many reasons. Here are some popular ones:
* A person talks about the problem with friends, a counselor, BLOG posts, Facebook posts, a relative and everyone else EXCEPT the person they are having conflict with.
* A person waits too long to approach the subject and then has difficulty because they have let their anger simmer too long.
* A person comes into this conversation with pre-judgments. They say that they are seeking to understand or “talk about it” but they have already judged the person as guilty. So instead of “innocent until proven guilty” the other party ends up defending themselves. This causes more conflict.
* A person shares only their concerns and does not listen to the other person. They may be silent and let the other person speak but they don’t really listen. The minute the other person stops they start to defend their position again.
* A person does this step in front of others causing embarrassment and making resolution difficult.
* A person comes into step one with an accusation instead of a question. So instead of saying “What happened here?” they might say “Why did you do this wrong?”
Now, stop and think about this step and then think about each of the things that can go wrong. Have you ever told your child they did something wrong in front of other people? Have you ever spent time complaining about someone at work without talking to them first? Have you ever gone into this step already very angry with the person? Have you ever accused a child or a friend without asking their side of the story first? Have you ever walked into a room to see a broken lamp or glass of spilled milk and started getting angry before you asked what happened?
2. Step Two: If step one does not work for whatever reason (perhaps the other person chooses to take offense because they are defensive in general or your personalities don’t work together for some reason) then you need to bring in a moderator. If this is a work situation then you could bring in a colleague or friend who respects both of you. If this is a school situation you could come in to help your child and a teacher talk together, if this is a personal relationship you could have a pastor, counselor, or mentor help you talk together. When you come to this meeting/discussion you should bring only two things:
A. The original conflict and ONLY the original conflict (not a history of conflicts or unrelated complaints. If you have those then that is because you didn’t follow proper procedure before. You need to let those go and start over with a fresh method/slate for your own benefit as well as the benefit of the relationship. Accepting personal responsibility for letting these pile up will make it easier for you to let go of them but as long as you put them 100% on the other person it will be almost impossible for you to let them go)
B. A short reason as to why you are going on to step two. Did the person hurt you when you tried to talk to them? Why did you find it hard to talk to them? Did they refuse? Discussing this will help you get through step one better in the future.
This step often goes awry because:
* A person will choose a moderator that sides with them.
* People will not agree that this step is necessary and will continue to conflict and “spin wheels” and the first step. They can’t admit that they need help to resolve the issue or realize that asking for help is sometimes the healthiest and most mature thing a person can do.
* People bring in the past or unrelated issues.
3. Step Three: If this moderator is ineffective then the next person in the “chain of command”/ an authority needs to be brought in to resolve conflict. Every family, school and business has a chain of command. If it is a school it is usually teacher, principal, supervisor, board, superintendent. If it is a company the chain of command might be employee, team leader, supervisor, manager, vice-president, president. If it is a family the chain of command might be child, mother, father, grandmother (or any other order depending on the person involved).
At this step – step one and two need to be repeated within step three. One can continue to work up the chain of command/authority until the conflict is resolved. However, I have rarely, in all my years as a healer, teacher, counselor, parent, spouse and friend, seen things need to go to step three when the first two steps were followed.
Where this goes wrong is usually when:
* A person goes directly to step three without doing steps one and two first.
Have you ever marched into the principals office before you talked to the teacher or had your child talk to the teacher? Did you ever sue someone without trying to resolve things with them first? Did you ever talk to the manager about a co-worker before talking to them first? People often skip step one and two and go to three. They then wonder why the other person is so angry or why things are going so badly and many times they then use this horrible experience to justify their original anger. “Well, see? I told you she had problems. I went to the manager to talk about her and she just went crazy!” Keep in mind if you don’t follow step one or two first that things will not go well. At that point you also need to accept responsibility in the negative outcome that may result. Apologies may be in order and a return to step one will be necessary.
Leave a Reply